On Receiving Compliments

I recently joined a new dating-esque site.  Well, really, it’s a downloaded app on my phone, but same concept.  Honestly, it’s been pretty great so far.  I received lots of attention and fanfare, and some of them have even been smart and good-looking.   (Unless they’re catfishing me, but I’ll never know.   Just call me Manti Te’o.)  In any event, I’ve been receiving many compliments.  Er – I THINK they’re compliments?  Compliment-ish.

1) “Are you lookin for a cuddle buddy”  An appalling lack of punctuation.  Sad.

2) ” Can we have a kid together” I feel like if I wanted to have a stranger’s baby, I would hit up a sperm bank and find someone with a solid pedigree.

3) And along those same lines:  “Omg can we make baby’s”  What of baby’s would you like to make?  Would you like to prepare Baby’s breakfast?  Or make Baby a blankie?  Why don’t you just get back to me?

4) How about: “I would love to run my tongue on your braces?”  It sounds just…so UNhygienic.  I can’t even.  

Basically, meeting people is hard.  Meeting well-adjusted normal people who are not needy, or creepy, or scared away by the mom factor is even harder.

On That Time I Subsequently Lied Abut Posting More

Okay, okay.  I know I SAID I was going to keep posting.  But I forgot.  Plus, this new layout they’ve got going is confusing me.  It’s like when I was Facebook changed to Timeline.  My co-worker was traumatized by the timeline layout.  “Once I was timelined, I stopped everything.”  Oops.

Well what’s new world?  Still single.  Dating websites are still full of weirdos, and my kid is as cute as ever.  (Except for all the swearing he’s starting doing.  It’s frowned upon to tell your dad to “f*ck it” when you’re four.  Or ever really.)  Oh hey – and I might be getting my braces off by fall.  That’s some exciting news right there!  All plans to workout regularly are then destroyed by my love of food and total lack of athleticism, so I’ve got that going for me, too.

What’s new with you all?  (How many readers do I have left?  One, two?   0.5?  :)

On a Letter to my Dearest Friends

To my dearest friends:

I believe you will know who you are.

I am lucky.  I am fortunate to have obtained the friendship of women of such caliber.  Not everyone sees it all of time.  And it’s true, sometimes I forget, too – lost in my own selfish thoughts and ponderings, yearnings and worries.  But it IS true – I am favored by such friendship as yours.

Women of strength, of fortitude, of charm and brilliance.  Full of life, full of quirks, but most of all – full of love.  I am lucky enough to have women such as that for my friends.

Women who forgive me my flaws, give me unsolicited and always spot on advice.  Women who pick me up when I am down and who share in my joys.

I am fortunate, indeed.

And whether we are separated by miles, or busy social lives, or time, or see each other every day, know that I carry you in my heart.

Know how much you mean to me.  Thank you.

On a Simple Conversation

I met a lovely old man today

He is a Korean war vet, a medic in the war.  He wanted to make sure that I didn’t think he was hoodwinking me, so he showed me his military I.D.  He asked me multiple times if I was in college still and if Q was my son.  He didn’t believe me at first, I think, when I told him, “No, I’m done with college, and yes this is my son, Q.  He’s three.  I’m 28.”

With a look of shock, he exclaimed, “But you look so much younger!  What do you do?  How do you stay so young-looking?”

I don’t really know.  So I told him so.  I mentioned maybe it’s low stress, I like to smile, or that I truly enjoy my job.

We continued to chat a bit about my work, and how I stay youthful.  He talked about the church, but not in a pushy way, just touched on his Catholicism.  He gave me a Christian magazine while telling me that he hopes I will find it useful, even though I’m not church-oriented, which he didn’t seem to mind.

As Q was rushing me to hurry up, the gentlemen told me that it’s obvious I’m quite an intelligent young woman, as well as very beautiful, successful, and quite charming. He told he hopes one day I find a young man who can appreciate me for those qualities and who can match them, someone who will enhance them.

It was, by far, the loveliest conversations I have EVER had.   

On a Conversation with a 9 Year Old About Where Babies Come From

I’m not sure how to approach the subject of where babies come from.  After all, Q is only three; he’s a long way from asking me about the  birds and the bees.  *Gulp*  I hope.

Nonetheless, I did end up having a pseudo conversation about just that subject with nine year old neighbor boy.  I doubt I did it correctly, but then again, how do you have that conversation with a kid who isn’t your own.  I didn’t want to step on his parents’ toes.

As we were outside playing, the neighbor boy, Q, and I, Neighbor Boy asks me, “Are you divorced?”

“No, I have never been married.”

“Well, where did Quinten come from?”

Uuuuuh…..  “What do you mean?”  

“Well where did he come from if you were never married?”

Oh boy.  How do you explain that??  So I asked, “Well, how much do you know about where babies come from?”

Wild, boy giggles of embarrassment ensue.  “Well…I know,” he says and then lowers his voice to a whisper, “…but I don’t want to tell you.”

So I explained that Q’s dad and I used to be boyfriend and girlfriend and we loved each other and we lived together and eventually I got pregnant.

He looks at me shyly, and whispers so quietly  I almost didn’t hear, “…because you had sex.”

Seems like someone’s already had this talk with him.  All I said was that Q’s dad and I were together for a long time and then had a baby together and now we’re apart.

He dropped the conversation after Q started pretend shooting him a Nerf gun and ran off in the other direction.

WHEW!  I can’t WAIT to tackle that same conversation with Q – yikes!!

On What The Big Hot Morning Show Taught Me

One of our local radio stations, Hot 96.7 KDOG, has a morning show, like an self-respecting radio station does.  This morning show is called:  The Big Hot Morning Show.  There are two hosts:  Johnny Marks and Cari. sometimes Stunt Monkey makes an appearance, though I usually only listen to the morning show between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. while I am getting ready for work, so maybe he appears more often than I am aware.

Anyways, over the course of time I have been listening to the Big Hot Morning Show, and especially by way of the segments in the morning, I have learned some valuable life lessons.

Big Hot Mess – where the hosts contact to the significant other of the guest caller to determine whether the said significant other is cheating on the guest caller, resulting in a Big Host Mess, or if it was all just a Big Misunderstanding – has taught me never to answer a phone call from an unknown phone number between the hours of 7 and 8 a.m.  If I DO answer the phone, and it happens to be a person from [insert random company here] offering me a free [insert random gift here] to send to anyone I want, to always, always, ALWAYS send it to my current and actual significant other.  If I were to cheat, and I am in no way endorsing cheating, DO NOT send free [insert random gift here] to the mistress [or whatever the male equivalent of a mistress is].  It will only lead to ruination of the actual, current relationship, and will most definitely result in a Big Hot Mess.

Second Date Update – where the guest caller is trying to determine why his or her date never wanted to see them again – taught me that it’s probably better not to know why someone didn’t want to go on a second date with me, because it’s usually not something someone is ready to hear.  I’ve heard many different reasons, some good reasons, some not so good, but in almost every case, the caller wasn’t prepared to handle the rejection associated with the Second Date Update.  Actually, this also taught me that if I have to resort to having the radio show contact my date for me, I am probably a bit lame, OR my date was a loser not worth going on a second date with in any event.

Lastly, I learned not to challenge a local radio host on celebrity news.  She will know more than you; after all, she’s a radio host for a local, current music radio station.  You will be beaten, and she will continue her winning streak of over 100 wins to only a handful of losses.  There’s a reason they call it Celebrity Smackdown – Cari will put the smackdown on you.

On Hilarious Three-Year-Old Quotes

Things my three year old says during a sword fight:

“Die, you CREATURE!”
“I’m gonna put you down!”
“I’m gonna put you in my crayon box.”

Things he says when fighting imaginary bad guys with his Captain America shield:

“I gonna break you up into ATOMS!”

Things he says to his mom (me!):

“Can I touch your stomach, mommy?”  *pokes me in stomach*  “It’s bouncy like a trampoline.”

“Keep it down please, Mommy. Sh…can you keep it down please? Please can you keep it done?”  [As I was sitting there quietly, NOT talking.]

*maniacal laughing for no apparent reason for minutes on end*  “Why are you laughing Q bear?”  “I just laughing because I laughing”  *continues maniacal laughing*

On Crappy Pick-up Lines No. 3

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would U and I together.”  And I would hate THAT because I am a bit of grammar-crazed lunatic, so let’s leave the letters where they belong, shall we?  In ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

“How you doing baby contact you just call me text me ##########”  I’m sorry – I’m sorry what are trying to tell me?

“If you want to get to know me better, feel free to send me a message.”  If I wanted to get to know you better, I would have sent you a message in the first place…  

On I Achieved Blog-Awesome for a Day

I don’t actually know how it happened, as I took an accidental blog hiatus for approximately two weeks, but at some point, I surpassed 15,000 blog views.

OVER FIFTEEN THOUSAND!!!!

Holy crap on a cracker!  That’s, like, a lot.

Thanks everyone who reads me!

[And thanks to all those people who keep searching for “supernova”, “pea”, and “rock”.  Tee hee.]