On How I Have an Irrational Fear of Being Murdered

I have been kid-free for the past few days.  Usually, the extent of my kid free nights is two nights, any longer than that is novel.

But kid-free I have been, and I have really tried to enjoy the time I have to myself, which I have been doing for the most part.

Now my son, bless his little heart, sleeps in my room with me.  I am absolutely used to having his little presence next to me.  It is a lot like those picture posters you see:

It is a lot like this, except with only one parent - whichever one is the disgruntled one is usually me.

Many times you do not think  about how much you miss the presence beside you, and how secure that other presence makes you feel, but I do and it does.

So, for the past three nights, I have been sleeping alone, and while I have the bed to myself, I also cannot seem to shake the irrational thoughts of someone sneaking into my apartment to murder me.  The problems with this thought process are many.

First, even if my two-year old WERE home, what is he going to do if someone attacks me?  He cannot use the phone to dial 911; he is not even old enough to understand the concept that an ambulance is for people who are hurt.  He just knows they sound and look cool.  He also cannot open doors yet.  And more important, even if he could open a door, he would not be able to open our apartment doors because they all have the baby-proofing handles on them.

Second, my apartment building has really good acoustics.  Or maybe they are bad.  I am not sure.  Either way, when someone is in the living room, you can hear everything that happens in the hallway of the building.  No one is getting into the apartment without me hearing them come into the building first.

Third, the locks on our doors are SUPER loud.  They make this hugely loud click when they are thrown.  If someone were to pick my lock, they wouldn’t be able to do that without my hearing – and everyone else in the building since the intruder would be in the hallway, as covered above.

Last, my apartment is like a war-zone obstacle course.  No intruder, once making it into the apartment, would be able to navigate my apartment without setting off some sort of noise-making toy, or tripping over a pile of children’s clothes, or stepping on a sharp little toy car.  In reality, this is the reason I do not clean often.    If I cannot afford a security system, and my lease prevents me from installing an additional lock, then I may as well booby-trap my apartment.  That is rational thinking at its finest.

Or maybe I will just ask the intruder to play a game with me to distract him.

But apparently, this irrational fear only exists in the moments immediately prior to my falling asleep.  Not while I am asleep, or awake but sitting in my living room, or even while in the shower.  I guess in all of those situations, I am in no danger whatsoever.

OR maybe no one will ever try to break in and murder me ever because my son is secretly a toddler ninja and has been defending me for months, and I never knew; and now, all potential intruders are just too scared to ever come here again.

Do not mess with toddler ninjas!

2 thoughts on “On How I Have an Irrational Fear of Being Murdered

  1. I have had the *exact* same fear. The presence of anyone mutes it; being alone when I’m used to people being there amps my irrational fear of intruders to sky high levels.

    I think it’s part of our subconscious dependence on tribe/family. When we are alone regularly, those fears don’t kick in. When we’re used to people being around yet we’re alone during the unknown time of day (unknown = night = dark) we feel the absence of tribe/family.

    That doesn’t help calm it, but it may identify it. =)

    1. That makes sense. Although I don’t think mine was muted when I lived alone.

      It’s directly related to the fact that management won’t let me install a chain lock on my door and all we have is a crappy dead bolt with which our doors still rattle even though it’s in place. O.o SCARY! Haha.

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