On the Hilarity of Dating Websites

Sometime back in, oh, 2004, 2005, Quite a few years ago, I created a profile on an online dating website.  I was single, lived out of state, and had zero prospects.

Wisconsin is full of red-heads, by the way, which is irrelevant, but that is where I was living at the time.  So, if I had met the love of my life back when I lived in Wisconsin, chances are quiet high he would have been a ginger, and we would have had beautiful ginger children together.

Aaaaaw! How….precious.

Anyway, online dating profile.  I thought it couldn’t hurt my chances any.  So, I created my profile, and I actually had a lot of fun on the website because they have these really interesting quizzes made up by the users themselves which, I am SURE, are always 100% accurate about what type of person you are and what types of people you would get along with best.

You are 100% Emu egg.  People really like Emu eggs.  

Your best matches are the Ostrich and the Cactus-looking egg up in the left-top corner.

So, I moved back to Minnesota, met people, dated people, and overall, completely forgot that website existed.  But here Valentine’s Day was approaching and not having anything better to do, I decided to see if that profile was still active.  IT IS!

And oh my goodness, has it made me laugh!  These people are hilarious!  This site allows you to view who has viewed your profile, matches you with people, etc.  It is great!  Sometimes I am like, “oh my!  He is so cute, and he seems really smart.”  And sometimes I am like, “WHAT?!?!?!?   What were you thinking website?!  What is WRONG with you?!”  But overall, I just sit here laughing at the people who look at my profile, because I am a mean person that way.  Who could ever resist a guy with a username such as “beeeegdeeeek”  or “Cheesyusrname”.  I, for sure, want to know more about those guys.  Or the ones who are obviously in a relationship with a relationship status of married or who have profile pictures of themselves and their girlfriend/wife and their multiple children.  Yes, I can see you are a winner, and completely monogamous to boot.

(And also, what better way to stalk people then to stalk the people who are stalking you.)

Now, I have nothing against anyone on these sites, well except those “family” guys.  But first, I am completely hesitant to ever meet anyone whom I have only met online.  And second, it is quite obvious that no one reads other people’s profile, or if they do, they think they are the exception to the rule or something.  I quite specifically state that I don’t want to talk to anyone who cannot spell, who does not have a good job or alternatively is not in school in an attempt to get a good job, or who has long hair (long hair creeps me out on a guy).

Who do you think keeps messaging me?!

Long haired weirdo’s who describe themselves as “by day i am a ling cook at a diner”.  Thank you for the effort guy, but I do not want to date a ling cook, by which I can only assume you mean line cook.  Cooks are out unless you are in say, graduate school, on your way to lawyering or doctoring.  (I know lawyering is not a word.  Doctoring is because it passes spell check.)

Is it so hard to ask for a clean cut guy, who does NOT have his FACE tattooed, who does NOT have LONG, ICKY HAIR, who is educated, who can spell, who is fit, who likes kids, who is willing to relocate from Australia and has an Australian accent?  Well that list got a bit too specific, but I think I found the perfect guy:

Yep, you’ll do.

(Too bad you are just a picture I found through Google.)

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7 thoughts on “On the Hilarity of Dating Websites

  1. This has made me think of a TON of questions and I’m not sure if you want this blog to become a series of back and forth messages, so I’ll limit myself to a couple. =)

    (Maybe I haven’t read enough to get the story behind this, but…) Why the hesitation to meet people in person after meeting them online? (Not challenging that, just curious. I used to have the very same opinion until something “clicked” for me.)

    (Another one that maybe you’ve already covered…) If you were to rank the general things you were looking for in a guy, long-term (full head of hair, intelligent, educated, no heroin addiction, no facial tattoos, self-supporting, ambulatory, whatever) how would you rank them?

    The reason I’m challenging you that is I made a list like that, then wrote a new list every year or so for, eh, five years and saw how things changed as I changed. =)

    1. Honestly, I don’t know why I am so hesitant to meet someone whom I met online. I know that I blame on my fear of the possibility of being murdered, but really, the possibility of that seems just as high when meeting a stranger at a bar, etc. Also, I know a very lovely couple who met online. He flew all the way from England to meet this lady in person, and they’re married now! I suppose I really should give more of a chance. I probably need to be more assertive, and find a guy I like the looks/sound of and just introduce myself. For some reason, that’s hard for me.

      In all honesty, what I am looking for is
      1. a guy I have a connection with;
      2. someone intelligent, i.e. not poor grammar, and ignorant racist remarks, etc.;
      3. someone who is not wasting their intelligence in a menial job, i.e. someone who puts their intelligence to good use;
      4. and all of these “no heroin addiction, no facial tattoos, self-supporting” are also requirements now!
      If it makes sense, I just said to my friend that I really want to date a guy who has potential – I guess I mean I am looking for someone where things can really go somewhere and who works toward some sort of achievement in life – who works to improve himself. Does that make sense? I could probably write a whole post trying to express that and not describe it exactly how I am thinking it. :/

      1. I think it’s actually higher when meeting a stranger at a bar, etc. Online, at least, there are digital trails that are hard/impossible to cover up. That was my reassurance when it clicked for me. Although, that doesn’t take into account people who don’t think it through and believe they can be truly anonymous online…

        That makes total sense! My summary of what you’re saying (tell me if I’m wrong): you’re looking for a guy that’s in a similar place in life as you. Someone who has developed/matured to understand the same things you currently do, with the expectation to grow together as well. In addition (looking at your list above), someone you can share with mentally and emotionally. Once someone passes through those qualifiers, then the physical and baggage checks are disqualification points.

        Short version: if you’re listing what you don’t want in your profile–rather than focusing on detail about what you want–it may be that you’re going about it in reverse.

        Does that make sense?

      2. Makes total sense. Instead of saying the things will disqualify men, I should say what does qualify men. That way they can’t be like, “oh hey there, I don’t have long hair”* when they are bald and then somehow think they fall into the category of man I am looking for. I think I may have been approaching online dating from the wrong angle. Thanks!
        *or do heroin, or whatnot.

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