Sometime back in, oh, 2004, 2005, Quite a few years ago, I created a profile on an online dating website. I was single, lived out of state, and had zero prospects.
Wisconsin is full of red-heads, by the way, which is irrelevant, but that is where I was living at the time. So, if I had met the love of my life back when I lived in Wisconsin, chances are quiet high he would have been a ginger, and we would have had beautiful ginger children together.
Anyway, online dating profile. I thought it couldn’t hurt my chances any. So, I created my profile, and I actually had a lot of fun on the website because they have these really interesting quizzes made up by the users themselves which, I am SURE, are always 100% accurate about what type of person you are and what types of people you would get along with best.
You are 100% Emu egg. People really like Emu eggs.
Your best matches are the Ostrich and the Cactus-looking egg up in the left-top corner.
So, I moved back to Minnesota, met people, dated people, and overall, completely forgot that website existed. But here Valentine’s Day was approaching and not having anything better to do, I decided to see if that profile was still active. IT IS!
And oh my goodness, has it made me laugh! These people are hilarious! This site allows you to view who has viewed your profile, matches you with people, etc. It is great! Sometimes I am like, “oh my! He is so cute, and he seems really smart.” And sometimes I am like, “WHAT?!?!?!? What were you thinking website?! What is WRONG with you?!” But overall, I just sit here laughing at the people who look at my profile, because I am a mean person that way. Who could ever resist a guy with a username such as “beeeegdeeeek” or “Cheesyusrname”. I, for sure, want to know more about those guys. Or the ones who are obviously in a relationship with a relationship status of married or who have profile pictures of themselves and their girlfriend/wife and their multiple children. Yes, I can see you are a winner, and completely monogamous to boot.
(And also, what better way to stalk people then to stalk the people who are stalking you.)
Now, I have nothing against anyone on these sites, well except those “family” guys. But first, I am completely hesitant to ever meet anyone whom I have only met online. And second, it is quite obvious that no one reads other people’s profile, or if they do, they think they are the exception to the rule or something. I quite specifically state that I don’t want to talk to anyone who cannot spell, who does not have a good job or alternatively is not in school in an attempt to get a good job, or who has long hair (long hair creeps me out on a guy).
Who do you think keeps messaging me?!
Long haired weirdo’s who describe themselves as “by day i am a ling cook at a diner”. Thank you for the effort guy, but I do not want to date a ling cook, by which I can only assume you mean line cook. Cooks are out unless you are in say, graduate school, on your way to lawyering or doctoring. (I know lawyering is not a word. Doctoring is because it passes spell check.)
Is it so hard to ask for a clean cut guy, who does NOT have his FACE tattooed, who does NOT have LONG, ICKY HAIR, who is educated, who can spell, who is fit, who likes kids, who is willing to relocate from Australia and has an Australian accent? Well that list got a bit too specific, but I think I found the perfect guy:
Yep, you’ll do.
(Too bad you are just a picture I found through Google.)