Monthly Archives: March 2012

On a Question I Pose to My International Readers

I was reading yon Mr. Colon today, and it struck me, once again, that I love having international readers.  I feel so wordly and sophisticated. [Imagine I am speaking with a British accent there please.  But in case you are unable to imagine, please see Ms. Jess’s video in her post about her brother Oliver’s cooking for how I would like you to imagine me to sound with a British accent. :)]

So hey-o international readers!  And of course, my United-States-ian readers.  [I am making that a word because after all, there is more than just the United States in the America’s, right?]

Look at that!  That is AWESOME!

So, international readers, I can assure you in advance that this is a stupid question, but I hey, I honestly do not know.

How do your keyboards look on your computer?  You see, I know that you have other characters such as “£” and “¥”, and seriously, it was a pain the butt to go insert those into a Word doc in order to copy and paste them over her on this post.  Whereas, for “$”, it is just shift + 4 = $.  Do you have a pound key on your keyboard?

Or how about, how do you type the characters that have the diaeresis?  

Usually placed on a vowel.

This seems..complicated – though I bet it is not for those who actually use foreign language [is that the term?] keyboards.  Any input would be welcome – hell, a picture would be even more cool!

On Some Things I Like to Do Sometimes

I was perusing Pinterest and I came across a funny image based on a Google search.  The searcher had began typing “sometimes I like to d” and Google, with its magical, knows-the-end-of-all-phrases mechanism, filled in the rest with:

“sometimes i like to dig a hole in my back yard stand in the hole and pretend i’m a carrot”

Not sure why, folks, but I seriously chuckled for about a minute straight.  [What is wrong with me!?]

So that being said, sometimes I like to:

“sometimes I like to hang glide on a dorito” 

“sometimes I like to think of jesus as a mischievous badger”

“sometimes I like to eat soap” and “sometimes I like to eat apples”

“sometimes I like to steal other people’s scabs”

Not to be outdone, sometimes he [I do not know who ‘he’ is, but that is beside the point] would do things, too:

“sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy”

Together, ‘he’ and I lead an exciting life full of adventure and weird behaviors and habits.

On Some Random Thoughts And Rants I Had Today

I think that worse than a teenage girl taking photos of herself in her bathroom all of the time is a grown woman taking photos of herself in her bathroom all of the time.  Worse than that is when a grown man continually takes, and subsequently posts, photos of himself in the bathroom.  It looks stupid and makes me seriously doubt that said man is actually 30 years old.  Quit being a creeper.

Hey random dude, what’s up?!  You are in a URINAL!  That is soooo hot!

[Oops, I forgot to blur your face, but it’s okay because I found you on Google.]

What the heck is up with all the hashtags on Facebook?!  This is not Twitter, and gods forbid it ever becomes like Twitter because it is bad enough as it.* #Irealizethisdoesnotactuallydoanythingbutmakemelookkindasilly.

I want to become a Buddhist.  Well, I am inclined to consider becoming a Buddist.

I am a black cat away from being Wiccan.  

I really like the Dalai Lama’s message to the world, which I will probably post about one day, so be prepared.  I do not plan on getting on a soap box, though.  Which leads me to….

Nothing is more annoying to me then when people comment on my Facebook uploads, no matter how political or politically incorrect or even inaccurate, for that matter, with a comment that is a bajillion words long.  I want to punch people who do that, even if I like that person.  NO ONE WANTS TO WADE THROUGH ALL THAT COMMENTARY JUST SO YOU CAN “PROVE” YOURSELF “RIGHT” WITH RANDOM YOUTUBE AND OTHER LINKS.  You have your own Facebook account, get off your soapbox, pick it up, and carry it back on over to your own page. K, thanks!**

To refrain from starting a[nother] riot I basically had to cover all identifying information.  Which was all information.

I am SUPER DUPER EXTRA EXTREMELY excited [it took me four tries to spell ‘excited’ correctly that is how excited I am] to get my tax return money back!!!!!!!!  I need to pay bills, yes, but mostly I want to SHOP!

 I am excited for bargain prices and lots of money [relative to what I am used to] to spend

*I realize that most of my viewers come to me through Facebook, and I am grateful!  Please keep reading my stuff!

**And again, I realize that most of my viewers come to me through Facebook, and I am grateful!  Please keep reading my stuff!

On Horse vs. Wolf: Who Wins?

A co-worker of mine was telling us about a fight that her young daughter and her daughter’s friend are currently in the middle of.  This started because my co-worker’s daughter and friend have decided that the daughter is part wolf.  This somehow escalated into a fight over which animal is better: a horse or a wolf?  So, I decided to see if I could help.

Owning a Horse:  Horses can apparently basically make you a better person over-all by making you more reliable, trustworthy, honest, etc.  They can also provide a form of therapy for a persons who working with them and teach about teamwork.  They can help keep kids out of trouble and help keep you fit.  There are also many more benefits [which I am sorry, but I am too lazy too type out].

The cons of owning a horse, according to my brief glimpses of these websites are few – cost, time, and hard work, all of which appear to be outweighed by the benefits.

Owning a Wolf:  Well, folks, it doesn’t look good.  I couldn’t find any front page google results for “owning a wolf” except how owning a wolf hybrid usually ends badly.  Sales of wolf hybrids have been banned in ten states, people have to display signs proclaiming ownership of said hybrid, and sterilization of current hybrids is even favored.

According to one fable, horses are more clever than wolves in any realm where they can speak.

Personally, I think wolves are more kick-@ss, but I do not have a scientific or fact-based opinion on this.

Also, when carved into a pumpkin, I think the wolf wins.

In the end, it seems that horses are better for ownership.  But wolves make better pumpkin carvings are better hunters.  But I do not think I really answered or settled the fight for my co-worker’s daughter and her friend.  So, maybe this video will help out:

Now can’t we all just get along?

On What a Ham My Kiddo Is

My son came home from his dad’s house today.  Everytime he returns from his dad’s, I swear he is smarter and more articulate then when he left.  This is no small feat since, like most parents I am sure, I like to think that my kid is smarter than the average.  Many people I know and/or meet agree, so hopefully this is not coming off as me just being a crazy, brags-too-much mother.  He is quite precocious.

When he play with his cars they speak to each other and help each other out when they get stuck.

Wrapped up in the adorable package of smarts that I call my son is a hilarious little comedian as well.  He is completely unaware, of course, that he is being funny, but as the saying goes, “Kids say the darndest things.”

For instance, today we had popcorn for a snack while watching a movie.  I let it mircowave too long, and I ended up burning it a little.  He first told me he did not want to eat the black ones.  Okay, but it is good, I said.  So he agreed and proceeded to eat it.  About five minutes later, his bowl still almost full, he told me that his popcorn was “kinda crazy”  and did not want it anymore.

While watching the Cars 2 movie, there is a part where the oil rigs are all lit up on fire.  He proceeded to explain to me what those fires were.

“DADDY FIRES”

“I’m sorry, what?!  Daddy fires?  Like your daddy sets fires?  You are setting daddy on fire?”

“Nooooo.  Daddy not a fire!”

He also busted out a “those f*uckers”, which initially made me laugh, then I repeated it back to him and asked if that was what he said, which it was, and then I had to maintain a straight face while attempting to explain he cannot say that.  It was hard!  I really need to watch my language around this kid because that was not the first time he busted out a mega-swear.  He dropped the f-bomb one night when my friend R was visiting, as well.  “For f*cking goodness sake” is what he was attempting to say, but what it sounded like was “those f*cking goldfish”.  Having never heard him swear before, and the self-satisfied grin on his face made us both burst out in laughter for a solid five minutes as we tried to puzzle out what he was saying.

I don’t care who you are, it is freaking hilarious when kids swear.

[Photo from this website.]

On My Crap-tastic Internet Service [A Letter]

Dear Charter Internet Service:
When I called you today to make my payment of my bill, you had an electronic woman tell me that Charter was ranked the top as having the fastest internet.  Really?  I will believe that when I start having instantaneous results.  Upon opening my webpage, I do not want to have to wait two to four minutes for my page to load and then have it repeatedly tell me that it, in fact, cannot load the page, and would I like to try reloading the page?  I have been through this process everyday for almost every site for the past week.  It is super aggravating, and quite frankly, it pisses me off.

I paid my bill today, which was fine, but for some reason you charge $1.99 for me to speak with a real person to pay said bill whereas if it were automated, it would be free.  I am confused by this simply because the people who answer the phones are probably only making a wage of $2.00 per hour.  I am quite sure that you are raking in the profits; do you really need to tack on more ridiculous, random fees than you already do?  Probably not.

Probably the only pleasant part of my Charter experience was the customer service rep, which is unusual because usually women answer, and they are usually really angry with the world and take it out on me.  I hate speaking to women customer service reps because they are rude, and they take everything as a personal affront.  Most women that I have spoken to in a situation like this are ill-quipped to work in customer service.  As the saying goes, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the fire [or frying pan – pick your preferred noun].  Anyways, I spoke with a guy named Diego.  He seemed cool-ish.  He ran my card over the phone, and while waiting he chatted with me about my weekend plans and joked with me that I was high maintenance.  Of course, he told me he was kidding.  He also kept re-confirming my phone number and e-mail.  If I later get a call or e-mail from him, I will be super freaked out and no longer pleased with the service he provided me over the phone as I will know that it is a scam and probably my bank account is going to be depleted shortly, from something other than bills.  Crap.

Overall, Charter, I just wanted to say that while you try to seem really cool and up-to-date and all about your customers in your tv commercials, you are not.  I pretty much cannot stand you, but I heard that Hickory Tech is an even worse choice, so you win.  I pick the lesser of two evils, which still sucks, but I will deal with it.  Just remember, that if I did not have the blog, I probably would cancel my internet service.  So there.

Sincerely,

Your reluctantly loyal-ish customer.

On Some Things I Learned Today

People hear what they want to hear no matter how many times you tell them what they NEED to hear.  If they do not like what they are hearing, they will interrupt you and incorrectly interpret your message.  Usually this is done is such a way as to paint themselves as the “good guy” and everyone else as the bad guy.

People who think they are funny EXPECT you to laugh at all of their jokes.  It really does not matter if you would rather stab your own than laugh at the “joke” they just told, if you do not laugh, you are a total A-hole.

My orthodontist enjoys carrying on conversations with me while his hands are in my mouth.  He and his assistants especially love asking me questions.  “So are you from Mankato?”  “Rrrhrr.  Ifra a sma ta ca fu-uh.”  “Oh really?  What made you want to live in Mankato?”  “Wuh, I uhed uh oh oo eh es uh ut I eh’en”  “Well, that’s too bad.” “Uh huh.”

I am more likely to get to work on time when I am running late.  Whereas, if I get up a half hour early, I somehow eat up all of that extra time magically, and arrive at five or ten after.  [WHAT is wrong with me?!]

Yesterday one of my co-workers showed us how to make a bump in your hair when it is down, and I can do that on my own with the right brush!  I also learned that this looks does not look that great on me, so I probably wasted five dollars on a brush I will not use more than twice.

I need to work on my hashbrown cooking skills so I can have breakfast for dinner more often.  Also, portion control means nothing when one is having breakfast for dinner.

On Being Creative

Yeah, what up!?  I am creative!

Sorry, I have been stuck in an Ebonics loop with my co-work.  I know, I know.  It is quite radiculus.  But we jus’ can’t help ourselves.  Kna I mean?

Done now, I promise.  Anyway.  I was once again nominated for a blogging award.  I think these are fun because it is super duper exciting to get a nod for writing something!  Thank you to the lovely and ever-inspiring Pauline!  I especially love reading your Daily Thought posts as they help inspire me a bit every day.  🙂

Okay then.  So.  Rules.

First:  Post the picture of the award.  Donzo.

Second:  Thank the nominatOR.  Cuz I am the nominee.  Check mate.

Third:  Seven Rando facts about ma-self.

1.  I apologize.  A lot.  I once got scolded by a guy I was seeing to “Stop saying you’re sorry so much because it’s annoying and you have nothing to be sorry for.”  My response, “I’m sorry!”  I should probably work on that.

2.  I do not really enjoy steak.

Blegh!  Look at all that fatty gross – egh.

Ssssss.  Boo.  Hiss!  Yesh, I hear you, all you red-meat eaters.  [I also do not enjoy putting bacon on everything.]  I bet that means I am un-american.  That is okay with me because….

3.  I am one-quarter Italiana!  I prefer pasta.

4.  I was going to major in the following when I went to college:  Spanish and Political Science.  My ultimate goal/desire was to become a translator for the Court system.  I thought that would be so amazing.

Hablo un pocito Español pero no puedo translador Ingles a Español .

[Sorry if that is incorrect!  (Oh there I go apologizing again!)] 

5.  I am TERRIBLE at small talk.  I can only talk about the weather and how you are doing for so long and then I get bored.  You can only comment on the sun shining for so long.  Or the rain, well, raining.  After a minute or two, I usually sink into an awkward silence waiting for the other person to continue conversation.  I cannot even whistle to fill in the akward silence because…

6.  I do not know how to whistle!  I am 27.  I have never been able to figure it out despite various vigorous attempts over the years.

7.  I listened to the song in the video in my previous post about seven times over and over while writing this.  It is just so darn catchy and such a mood-picker-upper!  Yay for noms!  And for NOMinations.  Do you see what I did there?

Bonus fact:  I like puns!

Last, I once again need to NOMinate [I seriously cannot help myself] seven other bloggers.  Jump in!

1.  Moths to a Flame.  Entertaining dating stories.  Some of which I relate to, most of which I don’t because she seems to be a world traveler.  It’s entertainment for shizzle.

2.  Snotting Black.  Quriky, entertaining, versatile.  Hey, I probably should have nominated her for that other award.  Potatoes, potahtoes.  Enjoy!

3.  Post-It Notes from My Idiot Boss.  Ten-to-one, if you put some of the managers from The Retail Store in an office setting, they would write radiculus post-it notes such as these.  Hilarity would ensue.

4.  diaryofahitman.  Generally entertaining writing.  I like it, so you will, too!

5.  tales of a charm city chick.  Fun and entertaining.  Join her as she writes about such things as what not to do on a date, and how WebMD’s answer to everything are incurable diseases.

6.  nailsbails.  He has his own drawn pictures.  What’s more creative than that?!

and 7.  Inkjot.  I do not have the talent to come up with my own drawings AND jokes to go with them.  Read for more zings and other funnies.

And that is it.  Why do all these awards make you do things in seven’s?  Is it because that is supposed to be a lucky number?

On Ranting and Non-Real Problems

I rant.  It is a thing that I do.  So allow me to rant to you today:

I get annoyed when people make smiley faces like this  (:  and not like this : ) .  I read left to right not backwards.

I have a bruise on my thigh from when I ran into the corner of my couch.  Ergh!  That hurt all twelve times I have done it this week!

It was too windy in my room last night and the sound of the blinds slapping each other woke me up.

My shoes gave me a blister today at work.  Also, my feet got cold because they were open-toed shoes.

I ran over my own toe with my computer chair today.

My yarn got tangled while I was crocheting.

These are not real problems, are they?

I should probably snap out of my crabby mood and realize I have it kind of easy.  Especially when probably my biggest problem is that they are raising my rent twenty bucks.  That is peanuts in the long haul.

On another note, I HARTO this song:

It’s such a phenomeNOM

Join us for the Nom-a-thon!