On Mail Order Husbands

This past weekend, I was bemoaning my lack of a dating pool to one of my girl friends.  I don’t even recall how we got onto the subject, except that I think I was talking about how I was so fed up with that dating website, as well as the confusing nature of guys.  Oh I remember now, we joked in passing that one of my previous co-workers at the Retail Store may have been a mail order bride.  [This has absolutely no basis in fact, whatsoever, and I don’t pretend to know the details of her personal life.]  Anyway, we joked about how you would even go about ordering a spouse, and I, being so fed up with the kinds of “men” I have been attracting lately, joked that enough was enough.  I was going to mail order myself a husband.

I thought,  “This ludicrous idea probably has some basis in reality.”  After all, people still participate in this sort of thing, so I was sure that a website to that effect exists.  I decided to do a little digging.  And guess what folks?  Of course a website exists for this type of thing!  This is 2012, and the internet has everything!!

Enter MailOrderHusbands.net.  I was greeted by an aesthetic theme with some handsome fellas near the title bar.

Oooh.  Look at this fella!  He’s so handsome! 

This guy is cute, too!

Well, okay, this website seems interesting.  I bet those dudes cost A LOT of money, and they’re so darn cute, too!  On to other parts of the site to see what they have to offer.

Why, it does feel as though I have been “clicking for love” in all the wrong places!  How did you know?!

This website seems like it could really be the answer to my woes.

After all, this website if NUMBER ONE in “Spousal Order Fulfillment”.  What a neat, politically correct term that is.

Hm.  I wonder how they determine matches?  Oh, a compatibility test.  Well now, that’s legitimate.  After all, every dating website has those, why wouldn’t they include that here?  They wouldn’t just pick random dudes attempting to escape their countries in fear of the local government and in order to become U.S. citizens.  Let’s take a peek at some of the questions:

  1. At a party or large gathering, do you have: a)  Large group conversations with a lot of different people; or b) one-on-one conversations with a few people, known to you? [Hm. Well,  I suppose I would prefer a one on one conversation.]
  2. Do you identify with people who: a) keep a continuous presence of mind; or b) let their minds wander?  [I am not sure on this, so I guess I would pick “a”, continuous presence of mind.  Someone has to keep their wits about them while I attempt to discover new blog ideas, after all.]
  3. Do you prefer to work: a) to deadlines; or b) work? I haven’t worked in 2 years.  [Uuuuh.  Oh.  Well, I have a steady job in which I must meet many deadlines, the most important of which are Court deadlines, so I pick “a”.  That’s a…slightly off question.]
  4. Are you more likely to: a) stay in the “here and now”; or b) converse with imaginary friends?  [What?!  Well to be perfectly honest, I run the occasional dialog through my head but it’s more like that one someecards where one person tells the other that she or he isn’t reacting how she or he imagined he or she would.  That’s not imaginary friends.  That’s just weighing possible outcomes.  I pick “a”, definitely “a”.]
  5. Which of these characteristics do you identify with: a) I enjoy being friendly and helping others; or b) I have been known to torture small animals.  [WHAT?!?!!?!?!  No.  It’s “a”.  That’s messed up.]

  6. Events are more comfortable for you if: a) you can participate in them with your decisions; or b) you can watch from a safe distance behind bushes.  [Okay you know what?!  This quiz is ridiculous.  Just finish perusing the rest of the site, Savanah, so you can report it back to your readers.  They all think you’re a nut job for finding this website in the first place, anyways, there’s no saving you now.]

 Oh goodness…..well those questions were WEIRD.  I wonder who thought up this website and this quiz anyway…


Looks like the diner owner from Two Broke Girls; some random dude in the middle, and sort of a less attractive Steve Jobs with photo-shopped hair and different glasses [yes, I know, that’s a stretch].  I guess that’s not too shady.

 Whatever, they seem like alright dudes.  Except the most normal looking guy, Shahin, was the developer of that whacked-out compatibility test.  Yikes!

They went on and on about their high success rate through out the website.  Let’s check out some of their most successful pairings.

Holy crap!  If Jabba the Hut and Princess Lea  had had a daughter, that’s what she would look like!  

This just keeps getting worse and worse!  That is one scary lookin’ couple!  And it is the ONLY success story they list on their website.  Oh boy…I am losing hope here.

Fine.  I will reluctantly check out the potential “matches”.  I mean, there might be some hope left…they had two REALLY CUTE dudes on the greeting page… right?  Anyone?  Any hope at all?

Bachelor #1:

1) He has long hair; and 2) my name isn’t Julie.  So, I guess he’s out.

Bachelor #2:

Turns our Fuad is a PARTY ANIMAL AND he is HALF PRICE!  Now that’s a deal right there!

Bachelor #3:

It is quite possible that Mike is in the witness protection program, what with no picture and all. 

Bachelor #4:

Hey, he lives in South Dakota!  Wait a minute… I think these guys are being shipped OUT of the U.S. to other countries.  Those poor, poor women!

Okay, let’s have one last look at some other available bachelors:

I have  no more witty description for the pieces of crap on this “Spousal Order Fulfillment” website.

Oh sweet cheese and rice!  This  is a terrible website.  I can’t even tell if it is a serious website or just some scheme to lure poor, idiotic women to enter their credit card numbers and other personal information so that some sweaty, middle-aged, balding man can commit identity fraud.

You know what?!  That is it.  I am done.  I would rather be single than marry one of these losers.


4 thoughts on “On Mail Order Husbands

  1. This is so funny!!! Great job! And I think you may have done a great service for some poor girls out there looking! I agree with your final assessment, who needs a guy that badly, there are toys out there afterall! 🙂

  2. oh wow. Pelican Bay Pen?! Isn’t that a supermax prison? Well thank you for posting this. I’m not in the greatest shape, but after seeing this, I definitely feel better about myself.

    1. Well I would certainly hope that would make you feel better about yourself! Hard to imagine that anyone would pay for creepy looking dudes like that! Yikes!

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