Some might say to me, “Savanah, the reason you are single is because your standards are too high.”
Are they though? Are they really? Here’s my open letter to any dude who may be interested in dating me. Of course, I haven’t actually shared this with any of them, based on the fact that I haven’t responded to an overture from any guy in a while now, but I think I might just make this my standard reply. After all, copy and paste exists for a reason.
My standards are simple:
You must be self-supporting. No fry cooks or Retail Store hourly associates need apply, please.
You must be intelligent. I’m not talking rocket scientist, brain surgeon, or even a college degree requirement (although, I’m not discouraging that, and I would, in fact, prefer that.), but it IS a requirement that you know how to spell, use proper grammar, and I can use words with more than two syllables when speaking to you and not have to constantly define them.
You CANNOT do drugs. I’m not talking occasionally having a drink or four with friends on a Friday night, but I am vehemently opposed to substance abuse.
You should not have facial tattoos. [I’m not discounting tattoos entirely, but if you dress up in a nice pair of black slacks and a white button up shirt, are you going to look like a moron? Or will I think you look like a moron?]
You must be physically fit and/or not uncaring about your physical appearance. [I don’t want some freaky overly-muscular fellow whose steriod use is probably affecting his rage, not to mention his you-know-what count, but come on, I am NOT going to want to go out with someone whose stomach protrudes more than mine did when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.]
A belly this large is only acceptable on women who are actively developing a child in utero.
I’m not saying this is absolute, but I’d like someone who would be willing to be my running and/or fitness partner, because, quite simply, I need one.
You CANNOT be clingy [Nothing is worse than a clingy partner. It’s not romantic, it’s not appealing. I have my own life, I have other things to do than constantly validate you emotionally. I don’t have time for that. I WILL stop speaking to you.]
If my having a kid is a problem, hey I get that. I don’t necessarily want to become the parent of a child that’s not my own, but I’m not disqualifying someone based on that criteria alone, either.
You know what else would be good? Geographic relevance. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but what I mean is that while I’m not discounting long distances, having a child DOES restrict me a great deal, and I’ve determined that it’s simply not feasible for me to travel four hours to see someone for a two hour date. I just can’t afford it, nor can I handle that kind of hectic lifestyle. As it turns out, I’m not meant to be a jet-setter. Go figure.
My friends keep telling me that I need to date outside of my “type”. To that I say, I’m not that desperate, yet. I can’t see myself ever being that desperate. I don’t want a roid-rager; any guy who is missing teeth and/or hair; any guy who is overweight or otherwise OBVIOUSLY not taking care of himself; or any guy who appears to have been slapped fifty times with the ugly stick.
I would like a guy who has his own life, but likes hanging out with me on the two days per week I am available, if he is also available, someone at least two inches taller than me, preferably not blonde, he has to have all of his teeth and hair, no gut/be thin, I must be able to use “big words” [and yes, someone once told me that the “big words” I use are too confusing], and I need to be attracted to him. That’s at LEAST one third of the male population, right?! ? Just kidding – that’s not a real statistic.
In short, if you don’t meet the qualifications, please refrain from further contacting me.
Does that make me too picky? I’m going with a no on that. Does that mean my standards are too high? I don’t think so.
What led me to write this “letter”?
stellar example of genetic perfection guy.
With this message:
Ok listen there was some urge to message you I dont think it came from my pants. I think I genuinely find you interesting, strong, and intellectual, and gorgeous. So stop the clock! I hope I made the right choice. Ill end this in a more Mankato urban medium. “Hollar back at me?!?”
Is that supposed to be romantic? Is that supposed to strike a chord of similarity in me? Is that even supposed to incite my curiosity? It doesn’t. “Ill end this.” Ill? Like, “I am sick”? Hollar – I believe you mean holler. I think what really got me was that the urge to message me DID NOT come from his pants. REALLY. Thank you for clearing that up. I was nervous. In fact, my initial thought was, “Gee. I hope that he didn’t message me solely because of a stirring of his loins. I hope it’s an intellectual match, too!”
Yeeeeeeep. I’m going to be single for a loooon time if this is my “dating pool”, by which I mean sludge pond.