Monthly Archives: September 2012

On Hilarious Three-Year-Old Quotes

Things my three year old says during a sword fight:

“Die, you CREATURE!”
“I’m gonna put you down!”
“I’m gonna put you in my crayon box.”

Things he says when fighting imaginary bad guys with his Captain America shield:

“I gonna break you up into ATOMS!”

Things he says to his mom (me!):

“Can I touch your stomach, mommy?”  *pokes me in stomach*  “It’s bouncy like a trampoline.”

“Keep it down please, Mommy. Sh…can you keep it down please? Please can you keep it done?”  [As I was sitting there quietly, NOT talking.]

*maniacal laughing for no apparent reason for minutes on end*  “Why are you laughing Q bear?”  “I just laughing because I laughing”  *continues maniacal laughing*

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On Crappy Pick-up Lines No. 3

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would U and I together.”  And I would hate THAT because I am a bit of grammar-crazed lunatic, so let’s leave the letters where they belong, shall we?  In ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

“How you doing baby contact you just call me text me ##########”  I’m sorry – I’m sorry what are trying to tell me?

“If you want to get to know me better, feel free to send me a message.”  If I wanted to get to know you better, I would have sent you a message in the first place…  

On I Achieved Blog-Awesome for a Day

I don’t actually know how it happened, as I took an accidental blog hiatus for approximately two weeks, but at some point, I surpassed 15,000 blog views.

OVER FIFTEEN THOUSAND!!!!

Holy crap on a cracker!  That’s, like, a lot.

Thanks everyone who reads me!

[And thanks to all those people who keep searching for “supernova”, “pea”, and “rock”.  Tee hee.]

On Craptastic Pick-up Lines

“hey, how’s it going?  you interested in sex?”  Ew, not with you.

“Hey how old is your son?”  That’s the creepiest “introduction” ever.

“I lost my phone number.  Can I borrow yours?”  Unfortunately, I don’t believe in the use of technological devices.  Other than my computer.  And my TV.  And my car.  And electricity as a whole.  Oh, and my phone.

 

On My Adventures in Dating

My dating life is, well, quite the opposite.  It is more like a dating lifeless.

I know, I know.  I continually write about this topic.  For instance, how hilarious dating websites are,  what my standards are and how I refuse to settle, and on how those same standards seems to have bruised some egos along the way.

I’m not really sure what it is about me that seems to give off just the wrong signal, but I can’t seem to catch a break.  I’m not looking for “the one”, or “Mr. Right”, or whatnot, I’d just like to meet someone new.  But then again, if meeting someone means that that person looks like they belong on this website, I don’t want anything to do with them.  *shudder*

In any event, I find myself once again revising my standards list, but contrary to what you’d think after my lament re: my dating lifeless, I am, once again, making my standards more exacting.  I have come to include some new, or rather, exclude the following types:

1)  Men who ask me about my child when they don’t even know me personally.  It’s creepy.  You may think you’re showing interest in me, but unless I’ve met you in person, have had a real conversation with, and have had a chance to share a laugh and maybe a drink and/or a meal with you, NEVER ask about my child unless I bring him up first.  He’s none of your business, and my standards for when someone gets to meet my son are even higher, and ever more strict, than those I have for someone qualifying to date me.

2)  Men who use their children to try to get me to go out with them.  If you send your child to me telling me that you like me but are too shy to ask me out, chances are I will NEVER want to go out with you.  I do not approve of the use a young person in such a way.  Either get the guts up to ask me yourself, or forget about asking me.  But don’t ask a nine year old to do your dirty work for you.  That’s cowardice.

3)  Men who don’t want to text/call me [read, talk to me] on a continuous basis.  I am not one to require that a man spend ever waking moment with me.  Quite the contrary.  Once or twice a week, maybe lunch sometime in there, too, that’s enough for me.  I’m busy.  Hopefully, he’s busy.  But I do like to converse with people.  And I’m stubborn.  So, it all boils down to:  if he wants to talk to me, he will.  And if he doesn’t, he won’t.  But I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t appear interested in me, no matter how darn cute they are, if they don’t seem that interested in continuing conversation with me.

4)  Married men.  Apparently, this needs to be spelled out.  If you are a married man, and you don’t tell me you are married, I’m sorry, but I want nothing to do with you.  Don’t flirt with me, put your arm around me and “try to make your friend jealous”.  If marital status is disclosed and the boundary lines are drawn, maybe we could have a nice chat, or just joke around like old friends might do, but ASSHOLE, “I thought you were married, too” is NOT an excuse to shamelessly flirt with someone who is not your wife.  I do not find this acceptable behavior.

5) Recently divorced men who haven’t dealt with their divorce.  These men are bitter toward the world.  “Oh, woe is me!  Life dealt me a bad hand, and I’m unable to move on/can’t stop talking about it/am unable to look forward to the new things life may bring me, etc..”  Put your big boy pants on and move on with life.  Stop blaming others.  Start taking responsibility.  And for fudge sake, don’t try to pick someone up by leading with a depressing tale about how your wife cheated on you when you were together and you’re finding it hard to deal.  I’M finding it hard to deal.  With you.  And you’re whining.  Stop it.

6)  Geographically unattainable men.  When I crush on geographically unattainable men, I can’t seem to prevent the crazy movie-like scenarios that run through my head.  This leads me to become that girl…  You know the one?  The one people call crazy.  It leads me to text my friends with things like, “Do you ever crush on a cute guy and think ‘what if’?  Like, ‘what if we talk all the time, then fall in love, then when we meet up again, we’ll have a movie moment where we run into each other’s arms and have a passionate embrace.’  [Think the Notebook, kiss in the rain type scene here.] Obviously, I’ve never done that.”  But it’s obvious I have.  Every girl has done it.  You’re lying if you say you haven’t.  I dislike being that girl.  I prefer to be cool, calm, and collected.  But in all reality, I’m just a girl like any other who has typical “girl” thoughts.  Sometimes, girls are ridiculous.  [Sometimes, guys are, too.]

So really, if my choices are people of that caliber, appearing crazy, or a dating lifeless, I think the choice is clear.  Apparently, when you raise your standards and strictly enforce them, it’s harder to find someone to date.  Apparently, not being in a relationship equals, to some, a clear signal that it is okay to work up the nerve to ask me out, or have your kid do it for you.  I guess I should admire the persistence of some of these men, or the confidence that it probably takes to have the nerve to approach me, or maybe they’re just a bit touched in the head.  I don’t know.  Oh, and let’s not forget the geographical factor.  8 hours away in any direction?!  What the hell…. I think I’ll just set my sights on Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and never stop trying until we’re married.  Totes gonna happen. Right.  Right?!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: As equally attainable as meeting someone who meets my standards AND is geographically available.

[Stupid geography is stupid.]

On Comfort

Comfort.

“A state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint.”

I know I’ve posted this song before.

When I listen to this song, I get that surge of warmth, you know the kind. The kind you get after coming in from the bone-chilling cold and wrapping yourself in the warmest blanket you can find and just being. The kind that spreads from your head to your toes and makes you realize that it wasn’t really as bad as it seemed.
That kind of warmth that wraps you in its comfort and reaches your soul, making you realize you’re going to be okay.

Comfort.